I gotta:

POSSIBLY... YES ;

I havent been Here for a while...

Been dealing with a couple things...

Been through a lot of things...

Left many mysteries unsolved...

& broke a couple more hearts.

Niggas fear what they don't understand.

Anything / Everything

It may not have meant ANYTHING to you. But, It meant EVERYTHING to me.

. . . Blaoww !

D I S T A N C E

The distance between my family and I was something that I have never wanted to occur, and although families will ALWAYS have their ups and downs, I couldn't have never imagined how much of a Downfall mine would go through in just a couple of months // Now I'm not sure how everything has gotten to where they have settled now, but the emotions and raging war eating me up inside is more than words will ever explain. [But as a Writer / An Advanced BEGINNER] I will try and explain . . .
- I think togetherness is a very important ingredient to family life. 
I have not felt harmony between my own blood and I in a while... and it's having a BIG impact on me, So biggg .. I didn't think it would get so critical...
_ _ _
A Few months after my Grandmothers passing I had made a very BIG Decision, one that I did not think I'd have the courage to make, and that was my decision of moving in with my Father. This was harsh I tried for a while rethinking things... compiling both negative and positive outcomes to either decision: Stay with MOM? --or-- MOVE with Dad? Although this wouldnt make my mother too happy, I felt that she'd understand. My Dad had no one and my Grandma made me promise her a while back to always look out for my father like he did for me [I could never give back the amount of concern and Care he gave me] so this was the least I could do.


... Let's Fast FWD ...


I live with my Father, things Are fine. I cook and Clean- when I have time. Never Do I have time though, I work and Do the church thing, and If I'm not doing that I'm catching up on sleep. 5 or maybe even 6 days out the week I wake up alone, my Daddy's a working man! This is Almost like a "ONLY CHILD" thing.. and honestly, I love it. I have S P A C E. And I would never change what I actively have now even though what I had before wasn't bad.


Now What I do Want to change is the fact that, My MOTHER forgot who I am. I don't think she would ever want me to feel like that, or at least I hope not... but that's exactly what I am feeling. I'm sure she's use to being a Mother, since she has had 3 in total... but I'm not sure if she wants to be mine. And I've heard plenty of cases where Mother's disown their children because their kid isn't up to any good... BUT I thought I was playing a Great daughter role, I still think I am. I never gave her sleepless nights, Never called her from a jail cell, Never needed her to rush out whatever she was doing to get me out of trouble, never asked for much. Only thing I can think of that has offended her recently, was getting a tattoo, but a tattoo shouldn't be a green light for any mother to just forget about their child... or treat them any different. And Because of it... [this ink on my skin...] it had cost me my family vacation. It Was suppose to be [my step father, 2 sisters, mom, and I] But guess what... They went and came, BOTH TRIPS... WITHOUT me. They also brought back a wholeeeeeeee bunch of family photos and AS ALWAYS, I wasn't spotted, But never Am I anyways, [I should be use to it by now right?] family photos are something I am rarely in.

Three elements.

Romantic love is made up of three elements:

1. Attachment: The need to be cared for and be with the other person.
2. Caring: Valuing the other persons happiness and needs as much as your own.
3. Intimacy: Sharing private thoughts, feelings, and desires with the other person.

- Social psychologist, Zick Rubin thought this up.

That Old Thing back? Nah

Nothing hurts more then wanting something you can not own. We've all experienced this, because we went through it even as children. Ever saw a toy you desperately wanted, and you didn't get it so you immediately start to whine? That's almost how it is. Difference is, now we are older; we no longer care for things we use to. It's called maturity, and if you haven't been through it- you might want to check that out, somethings wrong.


- I was thinking about things I never got to get.& if I still want them now.

I had the chance to fall in love before. I didn't, even though I had thought I wanted to. Since I was new at the feelings he gave me, I thought no one could tell me anything and he was my last option. I remember crying, making him cry [complicated story]. Although he was already owned by another female, he felt the need to fill me up with empty promises. While some were fulfilled I realized we weren't going to go far- esp. with the way we were dealing with our situation. I had given that boy a couple things I can not get back, not even till this day. My decision to stop dealing with him, Landed me in the arms of my actual Love. [see the Letter to Him Blog for More details about that] Thinking back, I'm proud of myself for *snapping* out of it. I knew I had to face actuality- They say Love a person can't have, it hurts the most and last the longest. They forgot to mention what happens when you encounter the real thing. It totally makes up for everything. Or at least in my opinion. 

- Things fall apart, but better ones take place_ 

- Joy wouldn't feel so good if it Wasn't for pain.

True Love wouldn't seem so accurate if it weren't for the false love you encountered.

Sometimes you gotta go through the parts in life that aren't so great so that when you get to the great stuff you can experience it in such a way that you'll understand why everything else had happened. 

God.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to hell... Does the 'man upstairs' understand that I'm trying to make it down here as well?

To be Continued.

My Favorite Quotes ♥♡

1. Charm is more than beauty.

2. A beautiful thing is never perfect.

3. Tears are the silent language of grief.

4. He who angers you conquers you.

5. Experience is the best teacher, but the tuition is high.

6. Everyone is gifted - but some people never open their package.

7. Everyone suffers wrongs for May I love to mention, there is no remedy.

8. A person who gossips to you, will gossip about you.

9. When a man is crazy about a woman only she can cure him.

10. False friends are worse than open enemies.

11. If a man fools me once, shame on him. If he fools me twice, shame on me.

12. Love looks through a telescope; envy, through a microscope.

13. I don't care how poor a man is; if he has family, he's rich.

14. The limit does not exist!

15. A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid a man who talks too much.

16. Any guy can sweep any girl off her feet, he just needs the right broom.

17.  It is not sex that gives the pleasure, but the lover. 

18. Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough.

19. Every man's memory is his private literature. 

20. We don’t see the things the way they are. We see things the way WE are

Letter to a "Him"

Dear _ Name here; 

I think that if we take our time and do everything right, this love could blossom into a fairytale.

I'm not quite sure how you became almost apart of me; but I'm not even complaining. I have always wanted "mine" to be understanding, loving, caring, and funny. I wanted someone who would accept me for who I am. I know that I’ve found that person in you. You Know you bring out the best qualities in me as a person, female, and to get Reallll specific, a Girlfriend. 

So I heard a man who falls in love only falls in love with a woman who shows him that she is worth it. Am I her for you, because you are him for me. You certainly hold qualities I don't think I could find in someone else. Especially nowadays... men are DOGS, but I haven't met any your breed. Together we have helped each other grow as individuals. However, I have learned to love the things you love, and understand the things you want me to understand- although I may not agree. We argue, debate and make fun of each other. We turn each other's worst days into the best, and best days into the worst. You turn tears into happy pleasure, you make the bad things seem not so bad. 

I have given you the best position in my heart and my life and not a lot of people get that.

There is always a new topic to share with you. I can indeed share every minute and every silly incidence of my life with you. Your entry in my life was out of the nowhere, but oh boy, it has brought several new things. It has allowed me to see the rainbow in my life and feel the beauty of everything around me. Have you noticed how much of an impact you have on me overall, I mean I never told you I want to- but the words I feel are hard to say, I'm not sure why though. It's been two years but that butterfly feeling is still there.I used to feel strange and wonder how people can sing love songs, and write love stories, but after meeting you I feel even I can do that. Today I can understand the meanings of the love notes.

"The deeper you dive in the better you understand the beauty of love."

Thank you for everything babyboy. Thank you for the times that cannot be repeated and for the memories I will hold onto forever. I pray to god everyday that he blesses you and your family with everything ya'll need! Remember I will love you until the end of time!

Grandma: Part II

This here describes the stages a person [ME in this case] goes through upon the death of a family member or close friend. Of a GRANDMA -- It is really more accurate to use the word "phases" because people do not go through the grief process in an orderly manner [copy? Cool...]

• First phase is shock. Similar to learning of a terminal illness, the first reaction of a person who is told that a loved one has died is, "No." A feeling of numbness sets in. Some people simply say that life seems unreal.
• The second phase is denial. We are a death denying society. Even our language tends to deny the reality of death by using terms such as "passed away" instead of the word "dead." We want to deny that death has taken place. In the denial phase, people hope that it isn't true. They may feel like this is just a bad dream and when they wake up, every thing will be all right. However, healing from grief can not take place until the person is past this step and has accepted the reality of death.
• The third phase is anger. Once our minds accept the fact that death has indeed taken place, anger usually erupts. Again, this anger may be directed at God (which for a religious person results in a feeling of guilt for feeling that way about the Almighty) or it may be directed to doctors, medicine in general, another family member or even directed inwards ("If only I had dot dot dot...") Again, guilt enters. Anger may also be directed at the world in general. "How can everyone just go about their business when such a tragedy has just happened?"
• The fourth phase is mourning. This is usually the longest lasting phase -ugh. It can last for months or years. It may be characterized by feelings of depression, continued guilt, physical illness, loneliness, panic, and periods of crying triggered for no apparent reason.
• The fifth phase is recovery. Some would not call this phase recovery, because it can be said that one never "recovers" from a death. Death changes our lives forever. Things will never be "right" again. Although the pain of death will diminish in time, it never goes away. We will always long for a person we truly loved. But at some point, we usually find ourselves re-establishing our lives and moving on. That is seen in this phase. 
• YOU THINK I COULD DO IT?? OR WHAT??

Grandma: Part I

Who recalls, when someone passes and another person touches your shoulder or hugs you, then whispers "It's going to be okay... Be strong." I cannot even begin to tell you how many people did that to be when my grandmother passed away. My whole thing was, how are you going to tell me to BE STRONG when that Lady was my strength. That lady was my everything, that lady not only provided for me, but she was there for me even when I was wrong. Her passing change me forever, I can honestly say... I cannot stop grieving I'll react as if it happened yesterday. They're telling me she's better where she has gone. But who are you to tell me what destination she has arrived to?!

*******

I went to the hospital to visit my grandmother, it was the day before she "left". She mentioned my name tried to smile and asked me to rub her shoulder (you'll understand as you keep reading). I couldn't stand by her bed and view her health status without crying. My grandma was in such discomfort, that tube going through her nose all the way to her stomach looked as painful as it actually was. I grew use to her being in the hospital all the time; to me this was nothing out of the unusual. This day though, this day felt different. I felt like this would be the end of it. How were they going to get my grandmother out of such a stage?


Let's fast forward a bit- [blah blah blah]... I kissed her. I rubbed her arm; she complained about how much it hurt and I left Jacobi hospital to go to choir practice.


AT THE HOSPITAL | The next day around 10pm, as I've been told by doctors, her heart stopped. Now I don't know how this works... But they said they got her 'back' However, her brain wasn't responding. 


BACK AT MY COUSINS HOUSE.
This is when the news gets out to me! 3am I'm in Alyssa and Stephanie's house [my beloved cousins]. Appearing on the screen of my cell phone is 'Tio (uncle) Miguel' while picking up my mind is repeating... "This is it." The sobs of my uncle destroyed me. 


The car ride to the Hospital tore me apart. In addition, the view of my grandmother covered with a white sheet, wrapped in white plastic weakened my body. I lost count of the hours I spent there... I remember the tears though. I remember how they left the taste of salt on my lips, how they burned my cheek and how they made my cousins cry along with me harder. I remember holding her, hugging her touching her feet and arms. I held her even though she was lifeless, spoke to her too - and I knew somewhere somehow she was telling me she loved me she loved me more then she loved life itself. 

****

Some bitch ass doctor walks through and tells us it's about that time... they have to take her downstairs. He explains to us what I mentioned earlier on How she passed. &Till this Day can NO ONE TELL ME MY GRANDMA LEFT IN PEACE. My Reasoning for this is THIS: Mr. 'Doctor' told the family and I my grandma's whole medical history [as if we weren't aware- pshh. Dumbass]. Then mentions her SHOULDER (your about to understand why she asked me to rub it the day before). He goes on to explain the x-rays they took and how her shoulder had been fractured. not dislocated... let me re-type the word I used. FRACTURED. Let me define that for you too: (noun) the cracking or breaking of a hard object or material. So I'm standing there dumfounded. It would have been one thing... if her shoulder was dislocated because I understand the procedures they had to go through with her. But Fractured means something had to impact her shoulder HARD ENOUGH so that it could crack/break. Now What the fuck? Who did that? - Let me Tell you now... I THINK ABOUT THAT EVERY NIGHT. 

Not only do I think about that every night. I cry about it too. Goodness, I wake up in the middle of the night to CRY. I cry about her leaving me and not taking me. I always told myself my grandma was going to live forever and I didn't care- but I was a fool. Now All I want is to go where she is. My Heaven is where ever you are Grandma. 

The wake and Burial was hard for me as well... but That's a whole other BLOG/STORY/MEMORY... and that one is harder to type about. and I will NEVER get over that day.

Never Will I just be okay with being lonely and having no one to hear me out, now who was I going to visit? Who was I going to make laugh with my stupid dance moves? Who was going to accept me for me when I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO ACCEPT MYSELF! No one had the heart of my grandma. I don't care how many things, people, or how much $$ you put in front of me. I've been turning it all away so far- every helping hand or word of advice- doesn't do much anymore. I'm Just hoping my grandma would return to me. Kiss me on my forehead and Tell me to pick up my damn pants like she always did. 

I pray to God Grandma (where ever that man may be -_-) that you and I will meet again.

Entry #1

Ariel.

A nickname never sticks for me. Besides the name Lulei that my grandmother gave me. I'm 7teen. They telling me I Look younger, that's perfectly fine. I was born right after the ball dropped for 1993 [Jan 2nd]. I guess you could say my Mother was partying hard! I'm Puerto rican, not a traditional one... if you ask me what I love about being Puerto Rican I'll shrug. There are times were I'm enjoyable, yet other times I promise you'll hate me. I'm considered a clown, but they telling me I'm too intelligent to joke the way I do [Yeah iight].

Here I am 4 months into 2010 and I've discovered things about myself I never payed attention to. I've learned that you cannot give back the cards that life deals you, just play the game. I'm quite determined but I have my relapses. My Grandma, who recognized my every potential early on, looked me in my eyes and told me "Never let em see you ruined Lulei." I'm not even tryna foul out. - Funny how competitive people can really get, yet why stand out for all the wrong reasons? "No guts no glory..." only people with serious A-game get realized, and if your not about what you say you are, your useless. I mention this to say that- if I say it, or think it I DO IT TOO.

They Telling me I always Wanna be right, but Im saying... ya not even Tryna Prove me Wrong!!

*Closing up; My brain works much faster than my fingers [shrugs]! You either try to understand or get gone...

- Adieu For now.