Grandma: Part I

Who recalls, when someone passes and another person touches your shoulder or hugs you, then whispers "It's going to be okay... Be strong." I cannot even begin to tell you how many people did that to be when my grandmother passed away. My whole thing was, how are you going to tell me to BE STRONG when that Lady was my strength. That lady was my everything, that lady not only provided for me, but she was there for me even when I was wrong. Her passing change me forever, I can honestly say... I cannot stop grieving I'll react as if it happened yesterday. They're telling me she's better where she has gone. But who are you to tell me what destination she has arrived to?!

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I went to the hospital to visit my grandmother, it was the day before she "left". She mentioned my name tried to smile and asked me to rub her shoulder (you'll understand as you keep reading). I couldn't stand by her bed and view her health status without crying. My grandma was in such discomfort, that tube going through her nose all the way to her stomach looked as painful as it actually was. I grew use to her being in the hospital all the time; to me this was nothing out of the unusual. This day though, this day felt different. I felt like this would be the end of it. How were they going to get my grandmother out of such a stage?


Let's fast forward a bit- [blah blah blah]... I kissed her. I rubbed her arm; she complained about how much it hurt and I left Jacobi hospital to go to choir practice.


AT THE HOSPITAL | The next day around 10pm, as I've been told by doctors, her heart stopped. Now I don't know how this works... But they said they got her 'back' However, her brain wasn't responding. 


BACK AT MY COUSINS HOUSE.
This is when the news gets out to me! 3am I'm in Alyssa and Stephanie's house [my beloved cousins]. Appearing on the screen of my cell phone is 'Tio (uncle) Miguel' while picking up my mind is repeating... "This is it." The sobs of my uncle destroyed me. 


The car ride to the Hospital tore me apart. In addition, the view of my grandmother covered with a white sheet, wrapped in white plastic weakened my body. I lost count of the hours I spent there... I remember the tears though. I remember how they left the taste of salt on my lips, how they burned my cheek and how they made my cousins cry along with me harder. I remember holding her, hugging her touching her feet and arms. I held her even though she was lifeless, spoke to her too - and I knew somewhere somehow she was telling me she loved me she loved me more then she loved life itself. 

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Some bitch ass doctor walks through and tells us it's about that time... they have to take her downstairs. He explains to us what I mentioned earlier on How she passed. &Till this Day can NO ONE TELL ME MY GRANDMA LEFT IN PEACE. My Reasoning for this is THIS: Mr. 'Doctor' told the family and I my grandma's whole medical history [as if we weren't aware- pshh. Dumbass]. Then mentions her SHOULDER (your about to understand why she asked me to rub it the day before). He goes on to explain the x-rays they took and how her shoulder had been fractured. not dislocated... let me re-type the word I used. FRACTURED. Let me define that for you too: (noun) the cracking or breaking of a hard object or material. So I'm standing there dumfounded. It would have been one thing... if her shoulder was dislocated because I understand the procedures they had to go through with her. But Fractured means something had to impact her shoulder HARD ENOUGH so that it could crack/break. Now What the fuck? Who did that? - Let me Tell you now... I THINK ABOUT THAT EVERY NIGHT. 

Not only do I think about that every night. I cry about it too. Goodness, I wake up in the middle of the night to CRY. I cry about her leaving me and not taking me. I always told myself my grandma was going to live forever and I didn't care- but I was a fool. Now All I want is to go where she is. My Heaven is where ever you are Grandma. 

The wake and Burial was hard for me as well... but That's a whole other BLOG/STORY/MEMORY... and that one is harder to type about. and I will NEVER get over that day.

Never Will I just be okay with being lonely and having no one to hear me out, now who was I going to visit? Who was I going to make laugh with my stupid dance moves? Who was going to accept me for me when I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO ACCEPT MYSELF! No one had the heart of my grandma. I don't care how many things, people, or how much $$ you put in front of me. I've been turning it all away so far- every helping hand or word of advice- doesn't do much anymore. I'm Just hoping my grandma would return to me. Kiss me on my forehead and Tell me to pick up my damn pants like she always did. 

I pray to God Grandma (where ever that man may be -_-) that you and I will meet again.